For Whom Pavlov's (Dinner) Bell Tolls

Over the years much research into human behaviour has (oddly, I feel) been conducted using dogs. I seriously question the worth of canine responses in the formulation of hypotheses about the human psyche, for surely there is a vast chasm between human intellect and that of the average Labrador Cross. Agree?

For a start, there is clearly a big language barrier.

Most dogs show little interest in the sound of the human voice (especially one which is yelling) and seem to have no grasp at all of the actual meanings of most words.

In Pavlov's famous research, the dog was not asked to salivate, but did so in response to a ringing bell (which normally preceded food).

And as my own 'Pippa the Wonderdog' leaps excitedly into 'walkies' mode at the mere sight of my runners, I concede her behaviour is more readily attributed to Dr Pavlov's conditioning theory, than to any super 'Labradoric' ability to decipher human syntax.

She's just not that smart and, in any case, she seems to have her own definition of the human language, as follows:

My command: "Sit!"

Pippa's interpretation: Stand with rear legs in rigid upright position. If human attempts to push your rump down, flop sideways onto ground.

My command: "Fetch!"

Pippa's Response #1 : Follow thrown object almost to point of retrieval, then veer off suddenly to find something more interesting to do.

Response #2 : Retrieve thrown object and carry it as far away as possible from the human who threw it.

My command: "Get out of that!"

Pippa's interpretation: You are doing a sterling job of shredding that sheet on the clothesline. Keep up the good work!

My command:"NO"

Pippa's interpretation: Do not stop what you are doing right now. It's all good.

My command: "Get off the Road"

Pippa's interpretation: free to wander unfettered and unhindered by passing traffic. You are, after all, the most important user of the roadway. The traffic will wait while you sniff the dead magpie in the middle of the road. Take your time.

But judging by the number of disobedient mutts around, it would seem that my Pippa is not alone in her gross misinterpretation of the English language.

So, my advice is this.

Forget voice cues and complex body language. If you really want your dog to obey, just go out and buy a whacking great bell and a really big tin of dog food!

Ding! Ding!