Dieting Data for the Easily Convinced

The following is a list of widely believed -- although not necessarily sound -- theories about food and weight gain.

1. If you break a chocolate bar into small segments and eat the entire block over a longish period of time (let's say, an hour) the total sum of calories ingested is lower than if you just downed the lot in one sitting. I totally subscribe to this point of view.

2. Food nibbled as you prepare a meal has no calorific quotient. It is only after the food is transferred to your dinner plate that it acquires any significance. Hear! Hear! I say.

3. Wine served in an extra large wine glass contains exactly the same number of calories as wine served in a standard wine glass. Interestingly, wine consumed from the extra large glass tends to make one more inebriated than the smaller glass, but this is only because the larger glass allows more air to ferment the wine, thus increasing the alcohol content. Cheers to that one too!

4. Food eaten whilst standing or moving about does not deposit fat. This is because the calories are immediately shunted to the muscles in your legs and feet, bypassing the digestive system and any regular fat storing mechanisms. Perfectly reasonable thinking.

5. Birthday cake has no calories. Especially if it is your own birthday. Same goes for birthday drinks. Hip Hip Hooray!

6. Low calorie drinks counteract the calories in normally fatty food, especially if eaten at the same sitting. (E.g. a burger with fries has no calories if washed down by Diet Coke).

7. Lollies eaten one at a time are so small that they are not noticed by the metabolic system, and are able to slip straight through the body without any fattening effect.

8. Any food which is labelled ‘Low Fat’ or ‘97% Fat Free’ can be consumed liberally. In fact, if they are low fat, why not have two or three of those creamy desserts? You will be feeling slimmer by the time you finish eating!

Actually, I am so impressed with these eight points, I am thinking of using them as part of my new Diet Club’s overall philosophy.

Our opening hours will be Breakfast Time, Lunch Time and Dinner Time and if you can’t find us at the Clubhouse …….just head down to the local bakery where we are probably toiling over Snack Time.

Bon Appetite!