Why Dieting Doesn’t Work – The Morning Tea Factor

Being a true martyr to science I have fronted up to many a morning tea in search of clues to help solve the great mystery of how and where calories congregate (and why they always seem to end up on my hips).

I realise there could be a prize for scientific discovery in this for me, but unravelling this puzzle means more to me than mere public accolades. There are bigger things at stake here (i.e. fitting into my size 12 jeans again) and I intend to get to the ….um.…bottom of it.

Day after day I have selflessly gone in search of data to support my theory that calories are attracted to people who are dieting. This theory has arisen from the observation that slim people seem to be able to eat whatever they like without getting fat, whereas we dieters only have to look at a pastry or crème brulee and the calories seem to leap aboard.

Of course, like all reputable researchers, I feel compelled to offer supportive evidence for my hypothesis. So here’s how I believe it works. According to my clinical studies -- carried out courageously; with no concern for my own dangerous exposure to potential flab -- I have noted that slim people tend to stand some distance away from the morning tea table. When the hot food arrives, they swoop swiftly across the table; securing a sausage roll, a lump of mudcake and three chunks of cabana in one deft grab. They then scurry quickly away from the table, keeping their distance until the need to feast arises again.

Having witnessed this on many occasions I have finally figured out what they are up to. By slipping quickly away from the centre of feasting activity (i.e. the table) they seem to be evading the calories!

Meanwhile the dieters (weak from avoiding food for the entire morning) lean gratefully on the edge of the table, supporting their wobbly legs and light heads. They scan the contents of the table, taking care not to dwell on the party pies, cream sponge or iced donuts, then dutifully make a beeline for the carrot and celery sticks, low fat dip and cardboard crackers. They stuff the aforementioned into their salivating mouths and smile smugly, congratulating themselves on not succumbing to the lure of the forbidden fare.

But little do they know their efforts are all in vain.

For the calories they have been so carefully avoiding — having eagerly leapt skywards during the initial ‘slim-person swoop’ — now find themselves hovering mid-air in search of a suitable ‘host’.

As all the slim people have removed themselves quickly from the incubation area, only the dieters remain in the ‘zone’ — dangerously at risk of calorie infestation. The calories, being none too picky about where they land, deposit themselves on the slimmers, and bingo! There you have it; fat deposited!

Devastatingly simple, isn’t it? But at least with the benefit of such knowledge, we chronic would-be-slimmers can protect ourselves from such onslaughts.

In future I intend to stand with the slim people at morning tea and when they make their speedy dive for the hot/fattening food I will be amongst their number. I will grab the nearest cream puff and mini-quiche and dash furiously for the door in the hope that the calories will not be quick enough to catch me.

And if you ever see me looking slim and sylph-like, you will know that I finally managed to give ‘em the slip!