Sins of the Book Borrowers

If there’s one thing more offensive than telling someone who has loaned you a book that you either a) hated it, or b) didn’t actually bother reading it, it would have to be c) taking the liberty of folding the page corners to mark your spot.

I myself have tutted with disgust when books have been returned to me in such a state, vowing loudly to never again loan my books to such philistines.

And so you would think that I, detester of dog-earedness and the perpetrators of such, would never, EVER stoop to their low acts. But nooo. Stoop I did, just the other night. By mistake, of course, but you try explaining that to the owner of the book who entrusted me with her literary treasure. In my defence, this all must have happened on an evening when I was particularly tired for, in my alert state I would never do such a thing.

I am a ‘book trawler’; one who keeps a diverse stack of books on the bedside table so that each night I can run through my collection and select one that matches my reading inclination.

For example, if I am feeling strong of stomach, I might pick one of the gruesome detective tales of Scotsman, Stuart MacBride. This author’s portrayal of an infinitely sodden and freezing Aberdeen city helps me understand why my Dad immigrated to Australia all those years ago. It’s so depressing! And that’s not even counting the ghoulish murders!

If I am in need of a little spiritual nurturing, I might reach for Deepak or Dr Dyer and if it’s ‘slimming’ inspiration I’m after, I might select (with short-lived good intent) some sage words from the latest flab-busting guru.

Recently I bought a book guaranteed to stop any stunned dieter mid-mouthful. Its title “I can make you thin” had me hoping that just by picking the book up I would shed a kilo or two, but no, it seems you had to actually read it. Its message was simple. Step 1: Only eat when you are hungry. (Not sure what THAT’s all about!) Step 2: Only eat what you REALLY want to eat. (Okay, now you have my attention). Step 3: Eat slowly and savour the food. (Yes, but if you eat quicker you can cram more in…..) Step 4: Stop eating before you feel full. (Huh? It’s all getting too weird for me now). Anyhow, suffice to say when I’m in need of a dieting inspiration I go for books like this.

Sometimes I just want romance or trash, and there are times when I like a good autobiography. Often I will read informative books like those written by the Dog Whisperer. I am a great fan of his methods but, unfortunately Scruffy Dawg seems to require more of the ‘Dog Shouterer’ approach as he ignores my commands and helps himself to yet another shred-worthy toilet roll.

But this week I have been reading David Sedaris, an American whose whacky and sometimes disturbing tales leave me either laughing or cringing. As I snuggled into my doona on propped-up pillows the other night with my borrowed copy of David’s work firmly in hand, I flipped through the book looking for my spot. And there it was alright; complete with dog-eared folded page. Omigod, I thought; my book-loaning friend is going to kill me!

And she doesn’t know the half of it yet. In terms of book-molesting crimes, there’s only thing worse than dog-eared pages. It’s smeared chocolate; and I’m just praying my friend doesn’t turn to Page 233 or my book-borrowing days are REALLY over!