A Font of Wisdom

As a prolific email writer I’ve often thought it would be a great idea if we could have fonts that truly reflect our frame of mind and the preferred voice inflection of our processed words.

This could, after all, help prevent many misunderstandings around the tone of our emails.

For example, a couple of days ago I sent what I thought was a reasonably ‘friendly’ email inquiring as to whether the feedback I had provided to a colleague was to be included in the resultant document (as it appeared to NOT have been).

A subsequent telephone conversation with the colleague revealed that she had thought I was ‘miffed’ due to a perceived somewhat ‘snippy’ inflection to my email. I assured her this was not the case at all, but that I had been trying to sound casual, friendly and non-snippy. Clearly it hadn’t worked.

Therefore I believe we need a few new fonts so that our feelings on any given matter can be truly reflected in the written word.

For example, when we are feeling a bit out of sorts we could use “Cranky” font. When sad we could use “Sooky La La” font. “Mildly Disgruntled” font would be one I would use fairly regularly to convey my displeasure and “Snitchy” font could be very handy for those moments when only a catty voice will do. Personally I also wouldn’t mind a “Don’t Even THINK About It Buddy” font for those days of the month when it’s really not wise to cross me.

“Sarky” font would ensure that the subtle nuances of sarcasm are not lost and “Totally Cats Bum” font would be reserved for those moments when ‘one is not amused’.

“Smarmy” font would be useful for gloating and “Grovel” font would come in handy when you have a little sucking up to do. I must admit that a “Frankly I Can’t Be Bothered” font might get a work out on my computer — particularly on Friday afternoons — as would my “Tell Someone Who Cares” font.

The “I Can’t Believe I Have to Spell This Out to You, You Moron” font would carry me through the moments of exasperation while the “I Think This Is Hysterical, So Make Sure You Laugh Too” font would ensure my jokes are fully appreciated. The ‘I’m Only Sending You This Email Because They Said Something Good Would Happen to Me if I Sent it To at Least 8 People” font would save a lot of explaining as to why I have forwarded the Tibetan Prayer of Universal Love and Kisses to six million of my closest friends.

I’m sure there are many more potential fonts just waiting to be invented and I believe there is certainly a market for these in offices all around the world.

After all, at present it’s nigh impossible to accurately decipher if the email sender is actually being snippy or was just too busy scoffing down chocolates and talking on the phone to take proper notice of what he or she was typing. The new fonts would clarify the mental state of the typist and save valuable time in coming up with a suitably matched font for the reply.

In fact, I reckon this invention has really got legs. It’s so good I intend to contact Microsoft personally. I think I will use one of my latest ideas:

“OY! HOWSABOUT MAKING SOME NEW SHOUTY FONTS?”

I reckon they’ll get that, don’t you?