Nothing Worse?

Yesterday, as my colleague and I scrounged around our office looking for some staples, I found myself blurting out one of those inane, ill-considered, sayings.

Having finally found some staples that were the right size, I bleated: “Thank goodness! There’s NOTHING WORSE than having no staples.”

Realising my gaff, I quickly added, “Unless of course you get hacked to death by an axe murderer. That might be worse.”

You see, I have made a mental pact with myself that I will never utter such ludicrous words in relation to mundane, everyday annoyances. After all, when you really think about it, there are just so many worse things.

Nothing worse than missing the bus? Yes, getting HIT by the bus would be worse.

Nothing worse than having a cold? Try pneumonia, typhoid, malaria, dysentery or The Plague perhaps?

Nothing worse than running out of milk for your cereal? How about out and out starvation. That’s gotta be slightly worse.

Nothing worse than getting up to crying baby in the night? What about lying there for hours worrying that it’s not crying? I’ve been there. It’s definitely worse!

Nothing worse than a sore toe? You’d prefer amputation maybe?

Nothing worse than forgetting to turn your electric blanket on? How about no bed on which to affix the lecky in the first place?

Nothing worse than a slow email connection? Umm…do the words ‘snail mail’ mean anything to you?

Nothing worse than dry elbow skin? One word. Leprosy.

Nothing worse than waiting for the phone to ring? OK, maybe being stood on by a stampeding African elephant might be a tad worse.

Nothing worse than kids who don’t listen? What about kids who DO listen but still don’t give a toss? They are definitely much worserer (new word for the occasion).

Nothing worse than having to go to work on Monday? Does it really get any better on Tuesday? Nah? Thought not.

Nothing worse than dog poo on your shoe? How about dog teeth imbedded in your ribcage? (With an angry dog still attached!)

Nothing worse than slow traffic? Well, arriving by slow ambulance to the morgue could be slightly worse (not that we would be in any position to notice nor care).

Nothing worse than a dodgy computer mouse? Scabies. Scabies would be worse.

Nothing worse than cold coffee? How about warm beer? Eeuw!

By this stage I assume you get my point, so I will shut up now.

After all, I’m sure there’s nothing worse than a Kitchen Philosopher who waffles on ‘ad nauseum’.

Aside from perhaps …….

Nah. Nothing.

Okay, I take your point.